Be A Man’s, Man

My grandfather died when I was 16 years old. We were close; it would have been nice to have him longer. Fortunately, I had a great uncle I was close to, Uncle Frank. Uncle Frank was only 5'5" and weighed less than 150 pounds. But he was a man's man! You had to be, then. Their generation survived the Great Depression, fought in World War II, and were self-made. I will always consider that generation the best generation of our time. The men were, well, men!

Uncle Frank lived until he was 93. He died around ten years ago. Both of my kids were able to get to know him. He loved when I would bring them by for a visit. Toward the end of his life, he lost most of his hearing. We would have to speak loudly, and he would yell in response. Our visits were short, but we all enjoyed them. My daughter was probably around 9 or 10 when we went for one of our visits. After we drove away, she asked why we even went if we only stayed “five minutes”. I explained it was because Uncle Frank didn't want us to stay six! He said what he had to say, heard what he wanted, and was ready to move on. He loved us and looked forward to our visits, but he didn't require a lot. Between fifteen and twenty minutes was all he needed. He was fulfilled. He was a man's man.

I grew up around nothing but men's men. I had another great uncle, Uncle Vic, who I was close to; he was also a man's man. My dad and my mom's three brothers were the same. They were self-made; they worked for everything they had and never asked anyone for anything. My best friend's dad, "Big Pat," and his brother-in-law, "Uncle Boogie," were two others I looked up to. One of my best friends, until this very day, Ray, is one too. We worked Patrol together, and he isn't much older than me (10 or so years), but with his overalls and country slang, he seemed much older. There isn't more of a man's man than him. He was born way too late; he was meant to be in my grandfather's and great-uncle's generations.

These men were masculine; they worked hard, but they were gentlemen. They treated women how a man should treat a woman. They were kind until you made them not be kind. How they treated you was up to you; they would lay hands with you in prayer or lay hands on you in a fight. It was up to you; it didn't matter to them either way. Their families came first. But that meant their jobs did, too. They couldn't put their families first without working hard and sacrificing. They were the epitome of what a man is. 

I don't know what "man" came up with the term "toxic masculinity," it’s the most bizarre thing I have ever seen. I don't know what it even is supposed to mean. I do know it's not conducive to a productive society. Ask yourself this: where would we be without men? Real men, masculine men. Men who can hang iron and build bridges. Men who cut down trees with an ax and hand-hewed the timber to build beams for structures. Men who will fight to their death for our freedoms. Men who will work as policemen and firefighters. The list goes on, but I think you get my point. Do we want weak men? Men who aren't masculine can't do the things that built our nation. When I say that, I mean it literally. Men physically built our country. Do we want to stop raising these types of men?

I have read several articles that support the toxic masculinity theory. Some are written by scholars with a lot of letters behind their names. I do not possess those credentials, nor am I an academic. However, my life and professional experiences allow me to disagree with their theories. I have spent years studying males (I won't call them men) who attack and sexually assault women. I have also seen numerous males who have committed these heinous acts. I've never seen one I would consider masculine, even a little. Males who attack women are cowards; they aren't looking for a fight; they are looking for a victim. Albert DeSalvo, known as the "Boston Strangler," raped and killed 13 women from 1962-1963. He assaulted many more. You know why he didn't kill the others? When they fought back, he ran away. He was a weak-minded coward who preyed upon women he found to be weak. He was far from being masculine and definitely wasn't a man. In my opinion, masculinity isn't the problem in today's age. Raising strong, masculine men is not the problem. Raising weak, entitled punks who were not forced to face consequences is the problem. Raising men who think they can do and say what they want on social media without getting their ass whipped is the problem. Strong, masculine men do not do this.

It isn't sexism. By no means do I have a bias on what I think women are capable of. I have a well-documented stance on what women should be able to do. My wife is a highly ranked, highly accomplished cop. No profession is more male-dominant than law enforcement. My daughter was raised to jump over obstacles and steamroll barricades. I raised my son and daughter very much the same. We should teach our daughters in a way that makes them capable of handling any situation that may arise in their lives. I think women should have great careers and continue being "trailblazers." I have seen many do it locally, regionally, and nationally. A woman's place isn't in a kitchen or the laundry room. Their place is simple; it's wherever in the hell they want it to be. They shouldn't be dependent upon any man for anything. The men I know, the ones I consider a man's man, do not think this way. That way of thinking is dead. But, we do not have to diminish what a man is for a woman to enjoy the role they have earned. 

So, what is a "man's man"? It isn't an official term defined by any official definition. There are many definitions and opinions. I will give my definition of it. But first, I will define what a man's man isn't. When I think of what they are not, the first thing that comes to mind is a quote from my friend Ray, whom I mentioned above. He deserves his full name mentioned. He is Raymond J. Price, and he is a true man's man. He once put it all in perspective; he told a young Deputy, "Men I know, men I hang out with, they don't do that." I can't give it the recognition it deserves in writing without his tone and accent. But it made sense. A man's man isn't a coward, physically, mentally, or emotionally. He doesn't stab people in the back. If he is coming for you, it's for a good reason, and he's coming at you head-on. He doesn't abuse women; he respects and worships them. A man's man isn't a schemer; he isn't looking for "hacks." He is going to put in the work for what he wants. The status of a man's man isn't defined by age, race, sexual preference, profession, or tax bracket. You can be white, black, rich, poor, gay, or straight and be a man's man. You can be a cop, an accountant, a computer programmer, or a heavy equipment operator and be a man's man. A man's man isn't entitled; he isn't a bum. 

A man's man is a man of solid character and diversity. He can sit, have an intellectual conversation, and then split wood with a maul. He is well-read and educated (formally or self-educated) but can change his oil and rotate his tires. He is a peaceful and kind man. But, if you push and attack him he can be extremely dangerous. He would prefer to talk to you instead of fighting you. But, if you bring the fight to him, he will leave you where you attacked him. Then, he will eat a steak and never think about it again. He is a good husband, father, son, and friend. He is humble and not arrogant. He is a giver and will never take. He is the president of himself and his family. He takes charge of his and his family's life and accepts full responsibility. A man’s man can be affected by trauma, he can seek help, but that doesn't make him less of a man. It makes him more of a man in my opinion. Let’s stop this war on men and masculinity. Our world, our nation, and our families need them.