Can You Control It?

Fundamentals Of Life: Control What You Can Control, Let Go Of What You Can’t

For several years, I lived by six fundamentals. When I stayed within those fundamentals, my life went pretty well. However, when I didn’t follow these simple principles, my life would end up in shambles. I didn’t realize anything was missing until I started studying Stoicism. After a few months of study, I realized there were a few principles missing.

I used to joke about how obsessive I can be when I explore a new hobby or commit to something. I would say: if I drank, I would be an alcoholic; if I went to church, I would be a deacon. Well, I do drink but very little, and I now regularly attend church, but I’m not a deacon just yet. When I get into something, I dive in headfirst and go all-in. A lot of times, I do a hobby or venture for a while, then get bored. I then move on to something else. This has pros and cons; the pros are I am a pretty diverse person. I have a "working knowledge" of a lot of topics. I can enter conversations about woodworking, wine, knives, martial arts, investing, politics, and so on. But, I am a jack of all trades, a master of none. There are benefits to both, but I'm happy about where I am in life and the path I chose.

However, there are two things that I embarked on that I will be a student of for the rest of my life: a daily protocol for improved health (I will cover it at a later date) and Stoicism. These two combined completely transformed me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I will never stop studying either. Being a high-level human is my goal (as it should be yours). I will strive to be a high-level human until I am a dead human. I do not consider myself a high-level human. My belief is that when I do, once I declare that status, I will stop seeking to improve. My belief is that once we claim victory, we stop working. I know I am better than I was yesterday, and tomorrow I will be better than I am today. But, there is no finish line in my race. For me, the finish line is a place in my hometown called Prien Pines Cemetery.

I hope I am a long way from residency there, but I will not stop striving for self-improvement until I get there. My two latest passions should not only keep me away from there for a while but make my life much more enjoyable in the interim. But, like one ancient stoic said: we are all born with a death sentence. However morbid it may sound, it's the truth. We all have a start date (our date of birth) and we will have an ending date (our date of death). When those two dates are written in your obituary, there will be a hash mark in between them. The hash represents your life. As long as you are granted this hash, live every day with the goal of self-improvement. I don't care if you're nine or ninety, keep improving!

Early in my Stoic journey, I ran across a quote by Marcus Aurelius: "control what you can control, let go of what you can't". There has never been a quote or passage that I needed to hear more than that. It's pretty much a "no-brainer," but how many of us worry about things we can't control? All of us, I'm sure. I'm not going to lie, it’s the hardest principle I've ever implemented. Not being an asshole or never being the smartest person in the room is very easy for me. But, worrying about things I cannot control is a daily grind. Trust me, the struggle is real! But when I can do it, it's the most liberating thing I've ever done. It frees my mind from worry and has done wonders for my mental health.

I would not consider myself (others may) a "control freak". I am open to the ideas of others and definitely do not think that my way is the only or even the best way. I don't try to control my kids' lives. I try to guide them and support them, but I am proud that they are their own people. My wife is smart, successful, and independent; she definitely doesn't need me. I don't associate with people I can control. That's not who I am, I choose friends and associates who make me better. My issue with control comes from what I (and others) consider my biggest attribute: I am a "fixer". It's who I am, it's what I do. Something else I would joke about is talent; God gave everyone a talent, and singing and dancing certainly aren't mine. My talent, above all else, is problem-solving. If you give me a situation or a problem and ask me to "fix it," two words will follow: "it's done." I seldom say anything else. Committing puts pressure on me to figure it out, no matter what. During the worst of times, I am at my best. It was the main contributor to any professional successes I had.

However, it has also proven to be detrimental. This trait isn't just limited to work; I bring it home as well. I want to fix everyone's problems - my kids, my family, my friends, etc. It's not a terrible quality - who wouldn't want a friend who is committed to them? Well, it's not terrible, until it is! It becomes overwhelming when you obsess over things you can't control. No matter what you do, the outcome will remain the same. I had to make a change, a drastic change.

Through leadership training, I learned the principle of "prioritize and execute." It's really simple: when you're overwhelmed or have a lot going on, write everything down, prioritize them, and then get to work! I applied this concept to dealing with things I can't control. When I have a lot on my mind, I write everything down and categorize them into two groups: things I can control and things I can't. I let go of the things I can't control and focus on the things I can.

You'll find that there are very few things you can actually control. Therefore, your mind stays clear and allows you to live in the present. If you can do this, it will be one of the most liberating things you ever do - it certainly has been for me. The most valuable lesson this taught me was that although we can't control many things, we can control how we respond to everything. Responding without emotion, especially to things out of our control, will ensure more positive outcomes. This will result in less anxiety and more rational decisions, ultimately leading to a better life.

Trust me on this one: the world doesn’t give a f..k about your control issues and how you think the world should be!