Fundamentals Of Life: Don’t Be An Asshole

Why do we feel like we have to be assholes to people? I'm not saying be a sissy or anything like that. Just be nice until you don't have any other choice. Like Dalton said in the 1989 movie Roadhouse, "Be nice until it's time not to be nice." I noticed that when I concentrated on being cool with everybody, no matter their views or any differences I had with them, I was a better person. I learned more about different cultures and ideologies. It stopped making me feel like everybody had to be like me, or I couldn't even speak to them if they weren't. I actually used to say that. I had a saying: "If you aren't a man's man, I don't even have anything to say to you." First off, how stupid and arrogant is that? If everybody were like me, the world would be one foolish and screwed-up place. I was really that closed-minded and arrogant. That made me fundamentally flawed, and yes, you guessed it, it made me an asshole! Once I allowed myself to open my mind more, it made me a better human, a better employee, and ultimately a better leader (not to mention less of an asshole). 

Being mean to people or talking down to them isn't a sign of strength; it is a sign of weakness. Weak people are assholes. Strong people are kind and respectful and try to help people in any way they can. I feel like I was always a person who was nice to people. But that was refined by the mentors I chose: successful people who were also not assholes. Successful people I know are incredibly kind to people they don't need, those who can't fight back.

I credit several people for helping me develop as a leader and man. Two of them are my former bosses: Sheriff Tony Mancuso and Chief Deputy (now Sheriff-Elect) Stitch Guillory. Through their actions, these two men taught me to be nice to everyone, especially those you didn't need. Sure, they are both politicians, but my job gave me behind-the-scenes views of who they were as men.

In 2004, Sheriff Mancuso took a chance on this 33-year-old "kid" with less experience than many others and promoted me to the highest rank and command of the most volatile division. One of my duties was meeting with the public and helping them with their issues. It went from helping people who had neighbor problems to meeting with persons who were arrested for the first time and didn't know what to expect next. Sure, that technically wasn't our job, but you didn't have a job description in Tony Mancuso's world. If someone came to you with an issue, no matter what it was, you helped them figure it out the best you could. When I was first promoted, he asked me what I thought was a "softball" question in one of our first meetings. He asked me this: who do you think I want you to treat the best and go out of your way to help? Shit, that was easy! I responded, "Your friends who gave you the most money for your campaign." That was a no-brainer! But I was wrong. He immediately corrected me. He told me that his friends with money didn't need me. They had resources and could take care of themselves. He expected me to roll out the red carpet for those who didn't have those resources. He wanted me to treat the poorest "nobody" the best. I did and will do that for the rest of my life.

Stitch Guillory is one of a kind. He has the right balance of strength and compassion. In the last twenty years, I have been all over our parish with him. If we met with a chief of police and some of his subordinates, he shook the lowest-ranking person's hand first and the chief last. In every restaurant we went to, he went straight to the kitchen, thanked the cooks, and shook their hands. Even in restaurants where the patrons were the "who's who” of the parish, he went to the back first. He wasn't fake and didn't do it for political gain; it's who he is. 

I am a person who doesn't mind a good fight, especially in my young days. But, I never instigate or provoke it. I'm over fifty, but I have a few good ones left in me. But I'm not wasting those on a fight I got into because I was an asshole. In the early 1990s, I was a young patrolman. Full-service gas stations, where they pumped your gas and checked your fluids, were slowly being replaced by self-service stations. A friend of mine and I were called to a station that had recently been converted to self-service for the removal of a person. There was an old man there who was refusing to leave. I arrived to find my friend arguing with the man. He refused to leave until the clerk put a quart of oil in his car. He couldn't understand why they would no longer do it. He wanted us to make him. After about five minutes of listening to my friend trying to reason with him by calling him a stupid old man, I had enough. I popped his hood, grabbed the oil, and poured it in. The old man became more friendly and thanked me. My friend was furious at me. He believed we should not put oil in the vehicle, and we should have arrested him for not leaving. When he asked me why I did it, my response was simple; I told him I didn't want to have to tell everyone at the next shift meeting that he got his ass whipped by an old man!

Being kind is free; being an asshole is expensive. You may not pay for it immediately, but trust me, the bill will come. When it comes, there will be interest added! We should treat everyone kindly, even when people aren't kind to us. Sometimes, you have to respond in an asshole-type manner, but most of the time, you do not. Famous Roman Emperor and Stoic Philosopher Marcus Aurelius said it best: the best revenge for your enemy is not being like them. The world doesn’t give a f..k about your bad mood, be nice!